public threat

What a horrible day.

I spend my whole life figuring out how to be positive, and discover that people are yet to develop despite the coming of adulthood. They may not be in primary school or high school anymore, but growing up doesn't necessarily mean your mind has progressed. With exceptions to some people I've met, in general, people are programmed, conformist pigs, with a lifetime to discover their personal truths.

I can't really think straight at the moment, I have concerns and stresses from all angles. And people are getting me panicked and threatened because of my sometimes obvious dissociative thinking. I get too anxious, too paranoid, and i often let my weaknesses show once people find them. I think i may be a little intimidating and serious actually. I can't help it if i find deeper meaning in everything and want to challenge thought. Am i too far ahead of myself? Should I be less direct, more casual, more robotic - no thought, no feeling? Should I relax more and be careless about beliefs, and just nod my head to the world as if change isn't necessary.

It's hard to reach common ground, to communicate, to learn from each other. But to be quite honest, no one seems to care about what's important, and this repels and saddens me. I'm sick of cheap human entertainment, sick of the lack of respect and a lack of self confidence and moral understanding. Luckily there's a handful of deep thinkers that I've met who get a sense of gratification from taking on the world, and not just a job or a relationship. Talk is so repetitive these days, I would love for more people to open up to free thinking, to ideas and possibilities. To break socially programmed limitations and expand beyond what family, friends and the media will dictate. I feel like one of the few who is generally frustrated with this human condition for complacency, and the desire for comfort and survival of the individual, irrespective of others and consequences. When have people stopped teaching their children to think? The current moral lesson is to give future generations money and toys and tell them to piss off into the world. And by world, i mean their living rooms. We live in a technological world where we seem to get in touch with others, but not in touch with ourselves.

Except I don't want to abandon the world that seems disappointed in what I do.

be confined or challenge?

I've been reluctant for some time to post entries on the internet with personal details, but as human beings rationalise everything, I've changed my mind as you will soon observe here. Although I seem to acquire great satisfaction from extensive online discussions on facebook (despite how crude I view social networking sites to be), and also from face-to-face interactions, I think I still have issues that are not met. Plus Mikey seemed to have inspired the notion in me to not bottle things up. (You made some wonderful entries by the way!)

Right now I should be doing my assessments, but it is honest to God the most dreadful task to churn through something that will offer me no direct benefit. Like Mike pointed out along the lines of 'it seems everything that is interesting is non-examinable'. For the past few weeks, I've felt a little bit of apathy, rebellion, over-confidence and a general passion for other subjects beyond my course structure. As some may notice, I've been lovingly carrying a library book around not fit with my course reading guide (book on Sociology). In fact, it seems the only books I tend to read with great interest are those that are not forced upon me, and those I do not own (strange for the latter, I think).

I really enjoy diving right into the bigger picture. Meeting the challenge of concepts and issues that are broader are much more satisfying than putting together the reduced mechanical parts of a scientific formula. Why limit ourselves to structured rules when we have the whole world to dominate? And this is exactly why I come to the crossroads of confusion. I am unable to write down thoughts because 1) there are too many, and at the same time 2) because they keep building and there is no way to express them without painting an eloquent painting. My theory is that with most processes, the amount of thoughts built from learning experience is a logarithmic trend (woah, just listen to the primed scientist within me!). So, in other words, the older I grow, the more thoughts I have and the more intense they are as they either come together or clash with great force. Leaving me quite paralysed.

I'm not sure which is worse, fear of the threat this world presents or how individuality is not actually encouraged in a white collar society. (I do acknowledge that individuality in terms of competition is required for "successful" life, but this is a whole new debate :P)

This year has taught me many things. I'm almost too inept to continue with my beliefs because of the overwhelming trend of thoughts that will find ways to crush my sense of individualism. However, I like to take up challenges, I am resistant to accept without reason. Oh, the fun of analysing, challenging and stimulating others minds. :) !

I'm sure a lot of people are experiencing the same phenomena at this time of year, but I can't be too sure. It may just be that end of year symptom, were stress and carelessness is inevitable for anyone in a full time or busy position. I would like to point out however that I received my biggest blow the other day when I was informed of failing a major assessment. This is the first piece of paper to tell me that I'm not just average, but I'm not even qualified in the world of over exhausted white collar machines. I am so reluctant to swim in the dangerous current that is the world of careers and consumer culture. There is no harmony and flow. And worse off, they want me to pay for crushing my own dreams with prospects that a repetitious life will bring me some sort of happiness. Those fake smiles on the cover of university brochures lie to me. (by the way, have you seen the new advertisements for secondary schools? One example was an all girls school with the slogans "every girl. every day". What the fuck does that even mean? Going to school each day of the week? a girl introduced to the school every day? haha, okay, off-topic rant over.)

Quite frankly, the most rewarding experiences this year (aside from abstract reading) have been the people that have changed my life. Even in small details, small trails of brain or soul stimulation in social interaction has been kind. And most of all, I've been able to gain some sense of stability in discovering more things about myself and how the present self has grown from the past self. And how all those irritable interactions and failed relationships are now obsolete. I can't believe it didn't hit me sooner!
And lastly, discovering new love to rekindle the sappy, girly, optimistic side to aid in my progress as a human being. Acceptance, intimacy and stability are wonderfully reassurring things. Falling in love has been the best part of this year, and my life! If I could give love any credit, it would be to welcome whatever it throws at me.


All this in a year is just a few steps to understanding this world's void of abstractions. I guess all I have to look forward to is the new improvements to myself and the new interactions I will have! As well as trying to assemble how I'm meant to put myself out of the parents home and into the big, bad, scary world~

See, another day in which I come home and I want to pass out and give way to more rewarding things, such as sleep.

It's one of those days where I've become mentally + physically exhausted. I have this strange ability to have an increasing amount of epiphanies within my mind, which often leaves me looking quite daft to any onlooker, who sees me day-dreaming.

There are days where I am so motivated about life, and learning is all I'd like to do throughout the day. But today seems like nothing in the world could cure my desire for meditative introspection. Or sleep.. That seems like a good idea right now, i may pursue this!

I think I'm just having another one of my exhausting explorations of my surroundings and the way things interrelate. Ah physics, where would be we without you. Ah, eastern philosophy, how better would I understand connections.

I'm not saying I've given up on the world, I'm just exhausted from its experience. From today, and possibly this whole week I've evaluated my sense of where I stand with people. As in, I've been able to re-assess my relationships. It's interesting to note that, from a lack of excitement, it is actually possible to exhaust yourself! I share life with life draining, and dull people, well.. a handful of them are icons of brilliance, so let's thank lolcats for that.

New Age music - Enigma

I know i listen to metal most of the time, but here, check out the stuff that I use to listen to when I was growing up. It is possibly some of the most spiritual music I have and will ever listen to, and I admit to listening to it every now and then. After all, it is quite captivating, lingering and beautiful.

Enigma

:)

Blut aus Nord - Ultima Thulée [1995]

What has been a most impressive album, at the very least, this is what could possibly be termed as 'transcendent black metal'. In other words, once you listen to this, you will forget that you ever existed to this Earth.

This was a worthwhile discovery and now one of my most influential bands of all time.

Genre: atmospheric/ ambient metal

rapidshare

primitively raw but beautiful and uplifting
their earliest work and my favourite BaN album

Blut aus Nord - Memoria Vetusta I: Fathers of the Icy Age [1997]

Blut aus Nord have transcended the realms of the average black metal album and diversified the musical scene with this avant-garde release. Combining elements of typical raw black metal vocals as well as enticing chants, buzzing riffs and occasional synth melodies to create this empowering atmospheric feel. When I listen to this, I feel like I am in a ancient cult dungeon, deep in the heart of the cold earth, surrounded by candles and men in robes. Not only does this album create an eerie depth, it also evokes this friendly nature and intricate beauty, which is compelling to anyone first sampling this band. As well as to anyone starting out with the black metal genre.

genre: atmospheric/ambient black metal

rapidshare
highly recommended!!

Track list:

1.	Slaughterday (The Heathen Blood of Ours)
2.	On the Path of Wolf... Towards Dwarfhill
3.	Sons of Wisdom, Master of Elements
4.	The Forsaken Voices of the Ghostwood's Shadowy Realm
5.	The Territory of Witches/Guardians of the Dark Lake
6.	Day of Revenge (The Impure Blood of Theirs)
7.	Fathers of the Icy Age