I've been reluctant for some time to post entries on the internet with personal details, but as human beings rationalise everything, I've changed my mind as you will soon observe here. Although I seem to acquire great satisfaction from extensive online discussions on facebook (despite how crude I view social networking sites to be), and also from face-to-face interactions, I think I still have issues that are not met. Plus Mikey seemed to have inspired the notion in me to not bottle things up. (You made some wonderful entries by the way!)
Right now I should be doing my assessments, but it is honest to God the most dreadful task to churn through something that will offer me no direct benefit. Like Mike pointed out along the lines of 'it seems everything that is interesting is non-examinable'. For the past few weeks, I've felt a little bit of apathy, rebellion, over-confidence and a general passion for other subjects beyond my course structure. As some may notice, I've been lovingly carrying a library book around not fit with my course reading guide (book on Sociology). In fact, it seems the only books I tend to read with great interest are those that are not forced upon me, and those I do not own (strange for the latter, I think).
I really enjoy diving right into the bigger picture. Meeting the challenge of concepts and issues that are broader are much more satisfying than putting together the reduced mechanical parts of a scientific formula. Why limit ourselves to structured rules when we have the whole world to dominate? And this is exactly why I come to the crossroads of confusion. I am unable to write down thoughts because 1) there are too many, and at the same time 2) because they keep building and there is no way to express them without painting an eloquent painting. My theory is that with most processes, the amount of thoughts built from learning experience is a logarithmic trend (woah, just listen to the primed scientist within me!). So, in other words, the older I grow, the more thoughts I have and the more intense they are as they either come together or clash with great force. Leaving me quite paralysed.
I'm not sure which is worse, fear of the threat this world presents or how individuality is not actually encouraged in a white collar society. (I do acknowledge that individuality in terms of competition is required for "successful" life, but this is a whole new debate :P)
This year has taught me many things. I'm almost too inept to continue with my beliefs because of the overwhelming trend of thoughts that will find ways to crush my sense of individualism. However, I like to take up challenges, I am resistant to accept without reason. Oh, the fun of analysing, challenging and stimulating others minds. :) !
I'm sure a lot of people are experiencing the same phenomena at this time of year, but I can't be too sure. It may just be that end of year symptom, were stress and carelessness is inevitable for anyone in a full time or busy position. I would like to point out however that I received my biggest blow the other day when I was informed of failing a major assessment. This is the first piece of paper to tell me that I'm not just average, but I'm not even qualified in the world of over exhausted white collar machines. I am so reluctant to swim in the dangerous current that is the world of careers and consumer culture. There is no harmony and flow. And worse off, they want me to pay for crushing my own dreams with prospects that a repetitious life will bring me some sort of happiness. Those fake smiles on the cover of university brochures lie to me. (by the way, have you seen the new advertisements for secondary schools? One example was an all girls school with the slogans "every girl. every day". What the fuck does that even mean? Going to school each day of the week? a girl introduced to the school every day? haha, okay, off-topic rant over.)
Quite frankly, the most rewarding experiences this year (aside from abstract reading) have been the people that have changed my life. Even in small details, small trails of brain or soul stimulation in social interaction has been kind. And most of all, I've been able to gain some sense of stability in discovering more things about myself and how the present self has grown from the past self. And how all those irritable interactions and failed relationships are now obsolete. I can't believe it didn't hit me sooner!
And lastly, discovering new love to rekindle the sappy, girly, optimistic side to aid in my progress as a human being. Acceptance, intimacy and stability are wonderfully reassurring things. Falling in love has been the best part of this year, and my life! If I could give love any credit, it would be to welcome whatever it throws at me.
All this in a year is just a few steps to understanding this world's void of abstractions. I guess all I have to look forward to is the new improvements to myself and the new interactions I will have! As well as trying to assemble how I'm meant to put myself out of the parents home and into the big, bad, scary world~
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